Tag: YouCanDoIt

Defeating Narcissists, Emotional Independence, Self-Care

Did I Become a Narcissist???

Tara

Years of exposure to a narcissist can have far more harm than just the unsightly mental, physical, emotional, spiritual, and relational scars left behind. Often the residual effect of narcissistic abuse is the adoption of narcissistic traits.  This doesn’t define you as a narcissist, but it can very well put you on the highway of becoming a full-time narcissist if you don’t pump the brakes.

As with any toxic relationship, there are red flags that will alert you and those around you. 

Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

  1. How do you use “I” statements?  Do you hold yourself accountable?  Or do you point the finger in another direction? That may be a difficult question to answer.  If you are uncomfortable asking yourself, or don’t trust yourself, listen to your friends and how they tease you. That might give you the answer.
  2. How often are you in the spotlight? Have you caught yourself hijacking stories your friends tell because you “get it” or because you’ve been there?  Do you feel as though your story isn’t taking from theirs but rather strengthening theirs?  Pulling the spotlight on yourself from others is a means of keeping the attention on you.  You’re not trying to take the spotlight rather; you are trying to use the emotion of the group to your benefit.  It’s innocent and seemingly harmless and you don’t realize you are doing it most times.
  3. How do you handle being interrupted? When you are telling a story, or even have a story to tell, how do you respond when your story ignites a memory for your friend, and they chime in with their experience.  Do you listen and find an appropriate gap to continue your story?  Or do you make it clear that you were not done telling your story?  Basically, are you making sure your spotlight stays on you preventing others from stealing it? (Similar to #2 point above)

These are not exclusive signs in identifying your own narcissistic traits, but they are tale-tell signs of those traits after being fully absorbed into a person who is a narcissist. It only makes sense to assume some of those behaviors when you have spent a significant amount of time with a narcissist.

It is difficult to not follow the example you are exposed to the most.  What is difficult is forgiving yourself when you know a change is necessary.  Another difficulty is knowing the problem exists and thinking it will resolve itself.  It does not.  The metamorphosis towards narcissism can happen without intent and it can be alarming, but it is not permanent.

Becoming a narcissist doesn’t make you a bad person, so don’t go there!  When you spend a great deal of time with a narcissist incorporating their behaviors is natural particularly when they have conditioned you to do so.  Eventually, those techniques become an unhealthy way of protecting yourself because it’s what you have known in a relationship.  This doesn’t mean you should punish yourself or put yourself down. It means you have recognized something within yourself and you, now, have the control.  With that control you acquire agency.  All it takes is your choice. You really can do it.

Defeating Narcissists, Emotional Independence, Self-Care

6 Things That Happen When You Love a Toxic Person

Tara

A toxic person will maneuver themselves quickly to earn your trust and obtain your personal power. This is why you allow the abuse, compromise yourself, and forsake yourself – because to them that’s what love is.

 

Finding a partner in life can be a pretty daunting process.  With so many options out there the possibilities seem endless.  This is what makes dating so stinkin’ stressful.  And to boot, we all think we have a “type” and we look endlessly for it.  Undoubtedly, this can lead to choosing the wrong people to get involved with!

Whether you believe that you have the power to determine who you are attracted to or not you ultimately have the final say in who you date. The problem is not necessarily our “picker” but having the ability to spot toxic people. They don’t have signs or tags that label them as toxic. They walk among us in our neighborhood, at the grocery store, at work, and even within our own families. They are everywhere in our daily lives. So, by the time we spot one we are usually knee-deep in a seriously unhealthy relationship with them.

It is not as though we want to be involved with toxic people but it does happen. They may not come with signs but the impact they have on you does have raging red flags.

6 Ways a Relationship With a Toxic Pereson Can Impact You

1. You Forsake yourself

Toxic individuals are selfish and insecure so rather than taking accountability for who they are they will put the burden of their happiness on. They don’t see happiness as a choice they make for themselves with but the result of your actions.  For this reason, all of your attention is to be focused only on them. Any attention you give yourself or any recognition that you earn they are quick to accuse you of being selfish or (da da da daaaaa) a narcissistic. The expected irony? They’re not responsible for your happiness. This form of manipulation builds guilt within you. You quickly forget how to take care of yourself or feel guilty for doing so and that’s just how they like it.

 

2. You Compromise Yourself

The toxic person in your life will push you and bully you to get you to do things you don’t want to do. They will use persuasive traits to “help” you see things their way. They may even try to push you to do things that you really don’t want to do but by pulling the “if-me-love-me-you-would-do-this-for-me” card. But, again, that doesn’t work both ways as they don’t have to compromise themselves to show you love.  They continue to be who they are while they mold you into the vision they have for you.

3. You Become Alienated From Friends and Family

Toxic people know in order to control you they must eliminate their competition, which is your support system. In order for the toxic person to be effective, they need to be the one and only  influence in your life. Using their manipulation and charm, they’ll be able to create doubt in your mind specifically when it comes to your friends and family. They, cleverly and cunningly, will drive wedges in the healthy relationships of your life convincing you that only they have your best interests at heart.  Its a form of gaslighting where they force their truth onto you making you question yourself and everyone around you.   

4. You Become Conditioned to be Abused

Toxic people are mentally and emotionally (and often physically) abusive. They use their impressive power to manipulate you and get you to come back for more. The abuse is so stealth-like you really don’t recognize it as it happens. The abuse, also, doesn’t happen right away.  You get sucked in by compliments, sweet nothings whispered in your ear, fancy dates, or the thoughtful “little things”.  Before you know it, you’ve been taken as an emotional hostage while they re-condition you quickly and re-program you efficiently. Soon enough, you’re a willing participant and enabling their behavior.

5. You Relinquish Your Power

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” She was referencing the personal power that we all have. The worst thing about personal power is that we are we slow to embrace it but very quick to give it away – and usually to the wrong person. A toxic person will maneuver themselves quickly to earn your trust and obtain your personal power. This is why you allow the abuse, compromise yourself and forsake you – because to them that’s what love is.

6. Eventually, You’ll Become Toxic Too

It might be an unintentional coping mechanism or an unrealized defense but you’re likely to become toxic the more time you spend with a toxic person. This is the ultimate empowerment for the toxic one because now they have what they need to hold you accountable for anything that goes wrong. That fight that you use to react to them is what they use to continue to control you. The more fight, or toxic, you become, the more of the superior victim they get to play. 

Realizing that you’ve become toxic doesn’t mean you have become them.  Its a coping mechanism, a mode of defense necessary for personal preserverance.  As long as you are in the relationship you will likely continue to become more toxic. Once free of the toxicity, you can work to re-program yourself by re-building healthy relationships in your life starting with you.

No matter your mental strength or weakness breaking away from the toxic person takes desire, forgiveness and time. It may be uncomfortable and unfamiliar to take care of you once you pull away from the toxic person but it is worth it.

You can do it.

(This article was originally published on divorcedmoms.com.  The author, Tara Parker, has edited and updated the article for relatability purposes.)

Defeating Narcissists, Emotional Independence, Self-Care

6 Things A Narcissist Will NEVER Do

Tara

There are certain things that we are willing to tolerate from certain people. You know, those quirks or goofy mannerisms that develop over time with a personality. Some of those things are really rather cute and then there are some things that we could just do without. Sometimes, those personality quirks or mannerisms can be changed and shifted into something that is tolerable.

Then there are certain things that are just intolerable yet are difficult to identify when dealing with a difficult person – like a narcissist.

The term “narcissist” seems to have found its way into daily conversation on social media. It’s everywhere. The term has become so easy to say that even those who are not narcissists are being labeled as one. While there are definite jerks, mindless screwballs, and idiots out there not every thoughtless moron is a narcissist.  Actually, there are certain, very specific things a real narcissist will NOT do that reveals them everytime!

A few things a narcissist will NOT do:

1. Don’t choose to be happy: The happiness of a narcissist is based on you, your actions, and your words. It is your mission to make them the one and only in your life. There is no other way and there is no compromise. When you don’t live up to their expectations they are not happy and it is YOUR JOB to make them happy.  More times than not, they may even count (and recount) the things they “do” for you to get you on board in “making” them happy.

2. Don’t Collaborate: There is no working together but there is their way and then there is the highway (which is their highway). If you don’t choose their way, they will wear you out until you give in. After a while, you condition yourself to give in sooner because it is easier than dealing with them….psst, this is part of their strategy. 

3. They deny they play the victim: Despite their past emotional injuries, they will not admit that they suffer from a mental health issue.  They always “one-up” others by claiming they have had it worse than anyone else while claiming to have their crap together.  (We both know they don’t.)

4. Don’t see themselves as anything but SPECIAL: In spite of their low self-esteem, they cannot see themself as anything other than special. They view themselves as the best at anything they attempt from being a partner/spouse to employee to person or what have you. To do this effectively and, often covertly, they will devalue your accomplishments. This feeds into their feeling of superiority.  They own the spotlight and it is your “job” to shine that light on them.

5. Don’t take accountability: You know this trait as it exposes itself with the statement: “If you had not done ‘this’ I wouldn’t have had to do ‘that’.” So few things are their fault; however, every so often, they will take the blame. This is to balance out the number of times they blame you or others. Because they don’t take accountability often it can be a pretty impressive when they do!  This will give a false sense of security that they can change. Don’t fall for this!

6. Never gives you what you need: This is the most difficult thing to remember or realize about a narcissist because as their prey, you have seen that softer, gentler side when the relationship was new. You know they can be  good because you’ve been on the receiving end of it. That is what has made you the well-conditioned enabler. This makes for an unrealistic hope that drains you of your life force and individuality. It is what mentally anchors you down to them.

Not all narcissists are developed equally. They have their own cycles and balances.  It can be difficult to identify these things before they become a priority in your life. Knowing you can’t change the narcissist can be a challenge to embrace and it won’t come without a painful realization. Once you learn that the narcissist won’t change for you, you find the power you need to leave the relationship. In the end, you’ll recognize your needs and follow your instincts. They may not change, but you can.

You can do it.

(This article was original published on divorcedmoms.com and later divorcedmag.com.  The author, Tara Parker, updated the articled based on her experiences, expert knowledge, and for relatability purposes.)

Defeating Narcissists, Emotional Independence, Helping Friends

The Addictive Traits Of The Narcissist: 3 Tips For Breaking Free

Tara

There is something about them that keeps you around. No matter the difficult times there is still something that you hold on to. What is “it?” What is that force that keeps you going back for more and more? Why can’t you just leave? Why are narcissists so damned hard to get rid of?

It is kind of creepy to think that narcissists can be so addictive.

They are inconsiderate. They are often times ruthless. They are mean. They are thoughtless. They are insensitive. They are hardly the “knight in shining armor” we thought they were in the beginning. Take off all the hardware and what you really have is the tail end of the white horse versus that stud of a rider. They are narcissists.

And yet, here we are in our restless sleep waiting for that kiss that will wake us up to our happily ever after. Waiting and waiting, and more waiting. The problem is that we are waiting for the wrong guy to make the right choice. The real problem is that we will wait until we feel as though we are trapped. We put the right faith into the wrong guy.

It’s complete shenanigans to waste so much of our time, but, it is easy to become so deeply involved with a narcissistic person that getting free seems to be more of a dream than an achievable goal. A narcissist will either exploit your co-dependent side or create one within you making you dependent upon them. This is a form of conditioning and it is key to ensuring you don’t leave once you are locked in. It makes no sense because you know, at first, it is wrong, until they gaslight you enough that you believe everything they do is normal or your fault.

It can be really difficult to break free from the narcissist.

It can be even more difficult to explain to others why breaking away from them is so hard. There’s just no explaining it. For someone to understand they have to have been there and know it takes a lot of time to become so worn down to uncover that hidden strength to leave.

 

In the meantime, your support system gets frustrated with your inability to see the narcissist for what he is. They stop trying to talk sense into you, which makes the desire to leave, sometimes, that much more difficult. That is, of course, if you still have friends. Most narcissists will work hard to turn you against your support system. So, if they are still around listen to them. If they have since left, maybe these tips will help you.

How do you survive a relationship with a narcissist when you’ve worn out your support system? Here are 3 Tips.

1. Trust yourself. When you feel alone trusting your gut, even when it leads you to make the most uncomfortable decisions, is going to be more right than wrong. You know yourself better even if you are not aware of it and that is why you have instincts. When you have no one to talk to you are left with yourself and if you listen closely, you will hear those instincts telling you exactly what to do. This means being honest with yourself and forgiving yourself.

2. Be okay to be alone. Freeing yourself from the narcissist may look like a road to loneliness and quite honestly, it likely will – at least, for a while. The narcissist typically only wants you to have them to focus on, rely on, and depend on. If they have succeeded then your leaving them looks like a one-way ticket to lonely-town. Being alone is not going to hurt you, though. Actually, once your support system finds out you have left your narcissist they may re-enter your life if you welcome them. Remember, to isolate you takes your cooperation even if you don’t realize it. If your support system was made up of healthy people, welcome them back.

3. Expect the panic. This might be the most difficult of all. As the unknown emerges and change begins to take place it can be easy to psych yourself out, telling yourself that you are making the wrong choice or invite the narcissist back into your life. If you expect yourself to panic, to be scared, to be afraid, to feel all the negative things you can possible imagine (including unloved) you can prepare yourself for them. By preparing for all that panic has to offer, you can recognize it as it is happening and prevent you from sabotaging your freedom. Being healthy and alone is far better that being imprisoned by a narcissist.

There comes a time when you can feel it happening. Little by little, reality chips away at your patience revealing what you are truly worth. So, don’t give up. Even when others seem to have given up on you, they really haven’t – they just don’t know how to be there for you. So keep going. You’re worth more than you are getting and the only way to get what you are worth is to get it for yourself. You can do it.

Self-Care

6 Thoughts On Keeping Those 2017 New Year’s Resolutions

Tara

It’s that time of year where we head down that same ole path of “New Year New Me”.

Come February, we both know it will be back to “I really need to work out” but maybe it doesn’t have to be that way.

I have seen articles about how to write resolutions and how to follow them. I have seen articles on how to let go of the need to make resolutions and instead do what feels right for you. These are all great and you should get excited about making some life changes in the New Year provided you are ready and not just trying to follow the crowd.

Maybe the New Year is a good time to work towards a new you but if you are not ready to commit to the process of making changes then the timing may not be good. Timing is a big factor in change but the biggest factor to making any change is making sure you are on board. If you have not sincerely bought into making any changes (be it New Years’ or any other time of year), the changes you are contemplating won’t ever be anything but a nice thought. Harsh, I know, but hang with me here.

So, how do you know if you are ready to make changes for the New Year?

Ask yourself the 6 following questions…

1. Are you being honest with yourself?

Have you chosen resolutions that you can realistically accomplish? Are you asking a lot or a little? Are you giving yourself the amount of time you need to be focused or lazy? Or are you jumping on the “New Year” bandwagon because that is what everyone else seems to be doing?

2. Have you done any research?

Just as technology changes and improves so does information – from weight loss to nutrition to psychology to fashion! Know what you are getting yourself into and do your research to learn about the changes you are taking on. Don’t “learn” from others as they may understand information differently than you.

3. Who will be impacted by your changes?

This is important. Your changes don’t just make a difference in your life but in the lives of those around you particularly those in your immediate inner circle – you know, those people that are allowed within 18 inches of your personal space. Your changes, be they physical or at a deeper level, have the ability to affect more than just you. If your changes are going to impose a great deal of change upon others you’ll need their buy-in as well. Your loved ones may not be looking to make changes for themselves though they should be willing to support you. Additionally, the sacrifices they may need to make for your changes should be reasonable.

4. What kind of support system do you have in place?

Your support system should be hand-picked friends or family who are aware of your goals AND your timeline. They should also know what is okay and not okay to say to you in order to help you be successful. Verbalize the words you need to hear from them and how they can approach you. Develop code words or some sort of system for when you need that extra kick in the rear to maintain your focus. 

5. What are you willing to sacrifice?

Depending on what you are looking to change you might have to be willing to sacrifice certain things or people in your life. This is a HUGE thing because this can turn emotionally unpleasant very quickly and make it hard to follow through on your resolutions. Making changes, taking on serious resolutions or accomplishing goals does not come without its losses along the way. This goes back to being honest with yourself and this may be when you learn more about you than at any other point in your journey. If you are not willing to give up this, that or, the other thing then you are not going to succeed. 

6. Can your income support the changes you want to make?

This seems silly to ask BUT depending on what your resolution is you may need to think about budgetary restraints and plan accordingly. Maybe your budget won’t be affected but you need to know this right off the bat. Don’t expect to dress like a Kardashian on a Ramen Noodles income or to acquire the body of a full-time athlete with only 30 minutes a day to workout.

Asking yourself these questions will help you determine how successful you will be at keeping your New Year’s resolutions. They may even help you define your goals further which can only increase your potential for success. As you venture down your New-Year-New-Me journey or any journey, remember to have compassion for yourself. Not only are you your biggest supporter but you can wind up as your own worst enemy. In order to avoid that, you will need to know how to forgive yourself for your failures and be willing to focus on your goal.

You can do it!